Sixty and still starting over…

        And I’m okay

Good grief!   This holiday schedule has me wondering what day of the week it is and BAM…I realized that it is Wednesday, which is reserved for my “new normal” or my new beginnings as a divorced woman, at age 60!    So here you go…

When the reality of being divorced came to me, I was scared.   I honestly NEVER thought I’d be in this place and yet, here I am, six months since the final decree.   THE FINAL DECREE!   

Over the holidays, people asked me how I was doing, and every time I said, “I’m good.”   Only once, did someone close to me say, “are you really good or are you just saying that?”    Ouch…That hurt…I thought I was, but I had to really ask myself, “am I really okay?”

This became the topic of discussion with my counselor today.   “Am I really okay?” I asked her.   She smiled and said, “Let’s look at where you were last year at this time.”   I got a little weepy and she said, “I think you are better than okay. (even though I was fighting back the tears).   Does this mean that you won’t have days of sadness?  No.   Does this mean life is rosy and will be every day?  No.   But trust me, you have done great work and you are okay!”   Insert a huge sigh of relief.  

Rest assured, I’m sooooo much better than I was, and I do feel okay, but that’s a relative term. Okay…what does that really mean?   Does it mean I can see an ornament from my married days and not cry?   Oh hell no!  Does it mean I can see a Facebook memory without cringing?  Oh hell no!    But in the big picture, I definitely think, no I know, I’m okay.

I can tell you that I wake up happy and ready to take on the day.   I can tell you that I’m getting used to coming home alone, unloading groceries alone, I’m okay (ish) eating alone, and I do enjoy a smaller space to take care of…to name a few things.  

But I can also tell you that there are things that stink…coming home after Christmas was tough…my car was loaded and I had to unload, alone, and there was no one around to “de-brief” with.    Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want a “pack mule” to help me unload.   But, it would be nice to work with someone to unload and talk about what was good (and bad) about our visit.   I admit it…I cried a bit!    So, am I okay?   Yes, I’m okay.

I went out to a couple of parties on New Year’s Eve, alone, and it was fun…and I was okay.  On New Year’s Day, I worked on taking some of my Christmas decorations down (not the 2 big trees…I can’t bear it!), and that wasn’t fun.  I’m drugged up with ibuprofen as I type this.   My back and my arm are sore because boxes are heavy, lifting things from the floor up to a shelf while on a step stool, and the apartment closet is small and oddly shaped and I was alone.   But, I’m okay.  

I exchanged a few texts with Greg yesterday and although it is a little awkward, a little painful/sad, it is okay.  It’s getting easier for sure. 

Yes, I am okay.   I am navigating through these things and although there are moments, they are short and they pass quickly.   I have time on my side and I know, time helps and I will continue to get more “okay” every day!  

Watch out 2019…I’m coming for ya!!!