A Public Service Announcement!

 

Today, I go out on a limb and share “too much information” with my friends! This is your warning, that if you don’t like “potty” talk, you should probably skip this one. However, I feel strongly about sharing this with those of you who may be getting close to having your first colonoscopy or wondering why you need to have one.

This week was my 10-year colonoscopy! Yep…I was fortunate 10 years ago to get a good report so I didn’t have to do it for 10 more years. I also received a good report this year so it will be 10 more years again! (I realized I’ll be 72 at that point and can hardly imagine that!)

Anyway, at the age of 52, 10 years ago, my doctor hounded me about getting my first colonoscopy, which was due at age 50. I had been putting it off because I had witnessed Greg’s first one and I was appalled. Let me give you a little insider information.

He had to spend 24 hours preparing for the test. This meant the day before, he was doing liquids only with a disgusting jug of the magic juice that would cause him to stay close to the bathroom for 12+ hours. It’s a pretty miserable day, but it is part of the process.

The next day, we reported early to the Endoscopy area of the hospital, where he had the test. It was short and sweet and they called me back to his room (curtained off area in a larger room) as he was relaxing and preparing to go home.

This is where things went awry. As I entered this space, Greg said to me, “The lady next to me just let it rip like nobody’s business.” *These are his exact words! I was MORTIFIED! I told him to be quiet. He proceeded to tell me that everyone has to “fart” before they can be discharged.

Now, for those of you who may not know this, “farting” is reserved for the bathroom, in my world. I NEVER TOOT IN PUBLIC…PERIOD! It is something reserved for a fraternity house or a guy’s night out, but certainly not for a lady! In fact, just saying fart is an issue for me, so from this point forward, I will refer those pesky noises to a “toot!”

Back to Greg’s “recovery”!!! As I sat on the chair close to his bed, I could hear toots of all types! I heard screeching toots, bass toots, rumbling toots, run-on toots and more. I could hardly control my embarrassment. Greg was doing his part in this “fart festival” and I had my face in my hands, trying to block it all out. If that wasn’t bad enough, the nurse at the desk that was up on a raised platform was calling out to patients and encouraging them…I KID YOU NOT!  “Come on Mary, you can do better than that.” “Greg, how’s it going? Do you need to roll over and get on your knees?” “Jack, one more like that and we can send you home.” Seriously, this conversation was ridiculous!

Greg could not have been happier. Afterall, he and Katie thoroughly enjoyed out-doing each other around the house with their toots. He was coming out of his fog, laughing like a madman, and tooting like a tugboat on the Ohio!

Finally, we got him out of there and got a hamburger and fries…then he slept for awhile. It was at that time that I decided I would never get a colonoscopy, unless I could have a private room.

Fast forward two years when I was at my doctor’s office for a check-up and she told me, in no uncertain terms, “Do not come back unless you have had a colonoscopy.” Because I trusted this doctor, I knew she meant business. She told me it is one of the most curable cancers when diagnosed early and that the test was really nothing.

I scheduled my first colonoscopy shortly after that visit and had a pre-procedure meeting with the doctor who would be doing the job. He went over everything with me, especially the prep, gave me a prescription and then asked if I had any questions before I left. I nervously looked at him and asked, “Is it possible to get a private room? I cannot ‘pass gas’ in public and I know that is part of the recovery.”

Now, this doctor evidently had never had this question in the past. He was biting his lip, as if to keep from cracking up at this most important question. He replied, “This is a new one. Most people want to know what they can eat when they leave!” He told me to rest assured I would not be alone and because they hear it all day long, no one thinks anything about it.

From that appointment, I picked up my “prep” and of course, they provided a big jug to carry the lemon-flavored mixture, keeping this process a secret no longer. Two days later, I did my prep which was the worst ever. The next morning, it was time to go for the procedure. We arrived early and I was ready to get it over with it.

I was in the room, and the doctor told me I could watch the monitor, but lucky for me, the sleepy medicine kicked in before I could have a chance to do that. Then shortly after that they were waking me up and taking me back to my cubicle. Greg was waiting there for me with a big smile, just waiting for me to release some serious toots. I assured him that I hated to disappoint but there would be no tooting from me.

The nurse came by to check in and asked if I had released any gas…I told her “Oh I sure have…lots of it and I’m ready to go!” She proceeded to get the paperwork ready and I got dressed and within minutes, Greg and I were walking through the glass doors to go to the parking lot.

Just as though I was being stuck with a pin, as I took the first step onto the pavement, I let loose! There was no stopping it. It was like a motor was pushing me to the car. Now picture this, I am crying with embarrassment and Greg is doubled over in laughter. Somehow, we managed to get to the car and both of us were laughing hysterically. “I hope you enjoyed that because you will never hear that again!”

Well, little did I know that I would have to go to a medical procedure without my husband. I had thought about this early on in my divorce process, but had kind of forgotten about it. This was the first time to do so and fortunately I had Joey to escort me. He knew how I felt about tooting in public but he told me that I was 10 years older and it may not be as easy to control. I also had him swear he wouldn’t tell anyone!

As I remembered, the prep was not fun, but it was not a prescription, just some over the counter meds that helped things along. I chose Fresca as my clear liquid of choice. It was not easy but I did all of my prep work and I was ready for the morning procedure.

We arrived at 6am and I started the procedure. I met the doctor, at 7:20am and 7:30am, I had some good sleepy medicine and within a minute, I was out. I was awakened from my dream state and back into my cubicle by 8:05am.

Joey was waiting and told me it was okay if I needed to toot. I told him that wasn’t going to happen. The nurse had said when I was ready, I could get dressed and they would check me out with a wheelchair ride. After she left the room, I knew I couldn’t hold it any longer. I told Joey it was coming and he cheered me on like a superstar on stage. A couple little squeakers came out and then I said, “Step out so I can get dressed” which was code for “I’m going to blow!”

Fortunately, I survived with very little issues! The tooting was done quietly so no one really knew once I got home. I had no polyps, just told to eat more fiber! Does the wheat in vodka count???

Now that you have heard all of this, the public service announcement is don’t put off your colonoscopy! I am happy to drive you if you need someone! As I said at the beginning, colon cancer is one of the most curable cancers if detected early! The actual procedure is short and sweet and the prep has gotten easier in the 10 years.

I dreaded it but my doctor was insistent and I’m grateful. Who knows, you may get to hear a Fart Symphony! It’s a real gas! (Oh stop me now!!!)

Be brave! Take care! Stay healthy!!!

Love ya!

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