Why?   On so many levels...Why?

So today, I may be having a reflective day.  I had plans to be in Pittsburgh last Friday (1/18) to see Hamilton with Katie & Anthony and a good friend.  It seemed like all systems were go, and then the doom and gloom of "snowmageddon" started to appear.  When did they start naming snow storms?  (Hello Harper?)  For those of you who may not know, I was always the first person to know about any weather occurrences because Greg was (still is) the weather guru.  

An example of his expertise was when we had the "hurricane" in Cincinnati many years ago, we were working at the Blue Ash Air Show and Greg warned me in the morning, "It's going to get ugly today and we need to be aware and stay safe."   He was referring to the extremely high winds that we would be experiencing.   He was right of course, and as we were preparing to leave the air show, a large piece of metal roof peeled off and flew across Pfeiffer Road, landing just behind us...literally.   I didn't realize how close we came to getting hit, until a port-a-potty lifted off of the ground and crash landed in front of us (on our golf cart).   Two near misses made me a believer and grateful that I was headed home.   From there, it was a nightmare of traffic jams, power outages, and the destruction that Cincinnati saw during that time. 

Okay, back to today...Although we don't keep in touch regularly, I sent a text to Greg early in the week, asking him to give me his update on the forecast.   Friday was looking great but Saturday wasn't looking good and that was our return day.  He promised to keep me updated.  And he did...2-3 times a day, all week, with as much information as he could provide.   As the week progressed, the outlook became gloomier.   I had decided to make a final decision as late as Thursday night, when Greg would have the most up to date forecast.

Finally, Greg said it was going to be a hazardous ride home on Saturday and unless I was willing to leave in the middle of the night (3 or 4am) to return, I should cancel.    This was a reminder that he did still care about my safety and wellbeing.   OKAY, OKAY, I know we have a history and he will always care, just like I will always care about him, but sometimes, I need a reminder.   This was one of those times.

WHY did I not want to cancel?  I had planned a fun overnight with a good friend, a swanky hotel (prepaid) and 2 tickets to Hamilton.   It was something for me....but I was letting my fun and some selfishness get in the way of my common sense.

WHY did the darn snow storm move slower than expected?   We could have made the trip afterall.   GRRRRRRR!!   But I'm remembering, better safe than sorry! 

WHY did I get a little sad, remembering Greg as my weather source, my rock at times like this?  It's hard...kind of like flashbacks.  I miss him...I'm sooooo much better, but I still miss him, especially at times like this. 

This is not all that has made me feel reflective...Why do certain things make me go back and reflect/remember?   I don't know.  Simple as that.

I think when I'm not busy, I have way too much time to just think.   Many of you know I stay really busy most of the time.   It seems when there's a snowed in weekend, I can't help but reflect and remember. 

I have spent more time on Facebook recently (due to being snowed in)...and as a result, those darn memories have popped up.  I am reminded almost daily about couple and family times with Greg.   WHY?  Well, it's about my history.   My history includes Greg.   I've learned that our history will be with me forever.   It will start to fade on some levels, but it's not going away. 

Divorce is hard dammit...it's really hard.   Everyone is so kind, "you are so strong,"  "you have such a great attitude," "I don't know how you do it."  "You are a good example for others," and so on...These kind words mean a lot.  Really, they mean so much.    I do believe I am strong on some level.  I just need to take a look at where I was 2 years, or even 1 year ago.   But, it's not always easy.

Then, I'm reminded that life is not easy.   Why does it have to be so hard...for any of us?  Well, I'm not sure, but I do think life puts obstacles in our paths and by navigating our way around them, we become stronger.   The navigation isn't always easy, and that's what can be maddening.  So much can be learned from those obstacles.   I remind myself that I truly am a work in progress.  

I’m learning to remember the past, embracing the good memories, and trying to figure out where and when the past will meet my present and I’ll be okay with it.  This is the hardest puzzle I’ve ever tried to put together.   In fact, it doesn't help that I'm not really a fan of puzzles.

But today, just like every other day, I will focus on making myself stronger…inside and out.  I’ll keep piecing the parts of my divorce/new normal puzzle together and I know, some day, I’ll be whole.