It’s In The Stars!

My Mom & Dad always read the horoscopes of their children in the newspaper. Sometimes, they laugh and mention to us and sometimes they don’t. This past weekend, my Mom made a point of telling me about mine and a short time later, I found this index card with this cut-out newspaper horoscope and her slightly scribbled note on the card.

I must say, it brought me to tears. Not for sadness or grief, but for relief that my Mom sees this as who I am today. Because the print is small on this card, I will type it out for you!

        CANCER (June 22-July 22) It is better to have a hurting heart than a closed one. A closed heart powers nothing. The warrior lives and fights empowered by the wound and without certainty that it will ever heal.

Mom's note was "Mom's pride for Lisa 2021, Saturday, January 30th

Just typing these words make me somewhat weepy, again. It has found it's way to my bedroom mirror!

When Greg and I together, shared the news of our impending divorce to my parents, they were heartbroken. (like we all were!) They loved Greg, sometimes I thought they loved him more than me. But they were mad and hurt by what he had done to their daughter. I get it. If anyone hurts my Katie, they have to answer to me!

My heartache, (after my own), was for my parents. Watching their child go through this pain was crushing. They had to hear from me every day. They needed to know if I was eating, sleeping, feeling okay. They wanted me coming to visit all of the time. They wanted to see my eyes.

As any self-respecting daughter would do, I faked it for them. I wanted to shield them for my tearful nights (and days). I wanted them to know that I was okay and that I was going to be okay. I wanted to protect them, no matter the cost.

As I worked through my healing, it became easier and there wasn’t as much “faking.” Now that I am home, living in my old bedroom, and in a place where my parents can stare at me on a regular basis, I see that they worry…they worry that when they are gone, I’ll be alone. “Who will take care of you if you get sick?” My Mom always reminds herself of how fortunate she is to have such wonderful care from her children and my Dad. “You’d have to go to a nursing home.” Oh Mom…stop worrying!

Then, she saw this horoscope and she said, “This has your name all over it.” We then talked about where I am in my life. I reminded Mom that for me, it has been a journey, a choice to find ways to manage the sadness. Yes, my heart is hurting, and yes, it feels like it will never heal. If I were to focus on that, I might as well move to that nursing home, or save money and just wither away, in my room.

Although it is not easy to say out loud, I am fairly certain that I will be on my own for the rest of my life, and really, that’s okay. I have never truly relied on anyone to make me happy! I have enjoyed having joy and happiness around me, which does help keep me happy. However, deep inside, I have always been responsible for my own happiness…which is what we all should do.

I can choose to be ugly when Greg is mentioned, or I can say, “I’m very lucky. We have a civil relationship.” In actuality, it is a good relationship, which many can’t understand. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not ready to go out for a pizza with him, but I do know that I can be in the same room with him. He gave me a lovely gift for Christmas and I sent him a little something too. I spoke with him on his birthday and sent him a card with some chocolate covered nuts. We exchange texts occasionally and Katie always sends group texts with both of us included when it’s something she wants both of us to know. For me, making sure Katie is okay with her parents’ relationship is priority one. I never want her to struggle like I have seen so many others do. That is one thing Greg and I are in total agreement about.

There is so much to say about this topic, but the bottom line for me is that my Mom knows that I’m going to be okay. She knows that she has given me the strength and wings to soar, and I know how to use both…despite those wings being a little dusty!

It’s not to say that I’m perfectly healed, in fact, while scraping my car in freezing temps, I am usually saying, “Damn it Greg!” But then I remember Greg gave me a Christmas bonus our first year divorced and encouraged me to buy a car starter.

I have work to do…but I know that I can do it. Seeing these words, and knowing that my Mom believes this about me is healing in itself. I know my Mom can rest easy when it comes to me.