I’m Not Gonna Lie…

 

Happy Wednesday Friends! I had my “tele-counseling” appointment today, my monthly appointment, and I’m not gonna lie, it wasn’t easy to get everything on my list in during the fifty-minute appointment.

As you know, I am a huge advocate for counseling but during these crazy days, once a month really isn’t enough.

After a long list of things, this is what I came away with. She provided me with an exercise that although it will take a lot of work, it is something I have to try. I am struggling with some things, many things actually, but I’m really too busy with more important things, like taking care of my Momma, to give some of these things much time. However, there are a couple of relationships that need my attention and I have been struggling with what to do.

This exercise involves making a list of the things/ways that these people have let me down, or disappointed me or by my own standards, have not lived up to my expectations. She admitted that she had done this with someone and had nearly four pages of “issues” with the person…like no wonder things were festering! And quite honestly, who needs a friend like that? Anyway, the exercise continues with taking each line item and saying four specific things about each one. For example, maybe it would go something like this:

Suzi Que has been rude and hurt my feelings.

Suzi Que has been less than understanding.

Suzi Que has no idea how much work it takes to be her friend.

Once the list is complete, I would read the first line, “Suzi Que has been rude and hurt my feelings.”

Then, I would say, “Thank You” “I’m Sorry” “I Forgive You” and “I Love You.”

With each of these words, I would be working through the feelings, which I am overloaded with!

Thank you, Suzi Que, for being my friend and giving me your friendship, and sometimes friends hurt one another.

I’m sorry, Suzi Que that you brought out these feelings in me, but to me, you were rude.

I forgive you, Suzi Que because we are friends. I’m not going to let this fester.

I love you Suzi Que because you mean too much to me to let this get in the way.

These statements are made only by me, as I read this paper. No one will hear them, but they are important to say for each line item. Once I complete these four statements with each grievance, I will rip the paper to shreds and do my best to move on! It is my hope that I can then see Suzi Que and, in my mind, start fresh. I struggle with saying “I’m sorry” when I don’t feel that I did anything wrong, but I’m guessing that on some issues, perhaps Suzi Que has felt disappointed by me too.

Now this is a very rough example, and I know you are probably rolling your eyes, but with the pandemic, politics, and a myriad of other things, I have found myself getting frustrated and perhaps less patient with people who are indeed my friends and family. I need a way to “let go!”

This is especially true for the next few weeks. I don’t want politics to get in the way of my friends, although I do think it has already, with some. If you feel that way with me, know that I am trying hard not to let that happen.

Okay…enough about my tele-therapy. The real therapy came last weekend, when I had a weekend trip to Pittsburgh. You may remember that Gabriel’s first birthday weekend was cancelled. I had a pre-paid Airbnb and rescheduled for last weekend. The visit was good for my heart and although it was a super quick weekend, with lots of precautions (masks and 2-week quarantining prior to the visit), I needed it and I think Gabriel needed to see me too!

So much has happened since I saw him last…he’s walking, he’s climbing like a monkey, and he is definitely learning what “no” means and I’m not gonna lie, he doesn’t like it when he’s told no! LOL!

I also learned that overall, he is truly happy and surviving this pandemic like a champ. I also learned that he knows when we want him to smile for a picture and if he decides he’s not in the mood, there will be no smile. We thought we'd do a pumpking picture and although he loved exploring the pumpkins, he preferred to pick up the vines and dirt rather than pose with a big orange vegetable and smile!

Now, I have been defending him, saying he is too young to know that…to be able to control when he is pleasing his CeCe with a simple smile. I now know that he is very advanced! He can totally control this and he is a little rascal. I found out that introducing a new toy brought a big smile. Putting food on his high chair tray brought pure joy. I just need to learn to be ready with the camera!

Regardless if I have any smiley pictures or not, being able to read a book with him (putting books in his mouth is no longer his first instinct), watching him slide down his slide, climb up on his chair to the couch, and opening and closing the door were all things that I needed to see and enjoy.

I’m grateful for a couple nights of uninterrupted sleep and catching up with my Katie. It was hard to leave but the visit will get me through the next few weeks!

So, friends, I’m not gonna lie…life is not easy for any of us, but there are ways to manage and for me, I’ll be working on my new exercise prescribed by my therapist, and then I’ll schedule Zoom calls and weekend trips to see my Katie, Gabriel and Anthony!

 

                                              This was the best "I'm not gonna lie" 
                                              meme I could find!! XOXOXO