I Had a Meltdown

PART ONE:

It’s Saturday and I’m typing my Wednesday blogpost because this morning, I just had a meltdown.

Toss it off to being up at 4:30am or toss if off to the chill in the house, but for whatever reason, I woke up with no patience and feeling defensive and as a result, a meltdown ensued. Of course, no one knew about it because I don’t let that happen publicly, but it happened.

Honestly, it doesn’t happen very often and there’s nothing that really triggers it, but today, it didn’t feel good. I’m not proud of it at all, but it is a reminder that I am human and it’s okay to give yourself a break.

I had all of the ingredients for a meltdown…tears, throwing my middle finger on both hands up in the air, silently screaming, and the feeling of wanting to just run out the side door of the house. Just typing this makes me cringe because I am better, but I don’t want to ignore it either.

Can I be honest? I’m tired. Physically and emotionally just plain tired. I knew that this move would be an adjustment and I knew that being a caretaker would require finding time for myself, but this stupid pandemic doesn’t give any of us much of a break.

Inside the house, I never really know what to expect. Some days are better than others. I try to anticipate things but that almost never works. There’s always something new…let’s just say my Mom keeps me on my toes.

I find myself envious of those who are free to come and go. I wonder when I will feel like I can do the same thing. I am so appreciative of those who invite me to meet them out somewhere, but I have to seriously consider everything that I do because I am in my parent’s home…their safe place. I/We’ve worked hard to keep them healthy and I don’t want to be the one who brings infection into this house.

We ventured out on Friday to hand deliver our absentee ballots and get ice cream. This type of outing is something that would normally be easy and fun, but it is stressful. I won’t bore you with the details, but it isn’t carefree by any means.

A vodka would have tasted yummy for happy hour Friday night, but I am not able to enjoy that because I have responsibilities and need to be on my game.

I’m not resentful, I really am not. But I guess I wasn’t ready for this.

 

PART TWO:

It is now Wednesday and last night, I had a “night off” which means I slept across the street, at Joey & Steve’s while they took the night shift here. It was just what the doctor ordered…watching what I wanted on TV and an uninterrupted night of sleep. It was not easy to “let go” but I embraced it and as a result, today is a better day. I arrived back home at 7:30am this morning, so the boys could go to work. The good news for them? Mom slept until 6:45am!  LOL! I was happy for them although I’m sure they slept with one eye/ear open knowing Mom could wake up at any moment. We just never know!

I’m grateful for last night…and appreciate the little things. We’re going to try to do this every Tuesday. Shout out to them for giving me the option!

My pictures today represent how I was feeling on Saturday (like a monster!) and how I am feeling today…new day, with a lingering sign of summer!

Make today a better day…I know I will!