Are you guilty?

Gosh…GUILT!   Where does it come from?   I’m not really sure but this is why it is my blog post today!

Yesterday, I had counseling!   Oh, I love my counselor.   She has a way of listening then helping me focus on my “issues of the day!”  And somehow, there is always an "issue of the day!"

When I started talking, I started with how I was kind of weepy…not bad weepy, just tired and easy to cry.   She said, “let’s talk about it!”   So I started in with thankfully, Baby T did not come over the weekend since I had a wedding to coordinate and I thought that sounded bad, selfish.   Katie and I had laughed about it, and of course, she is and always will be my first priority, but when I heard myself saying it out loud, I sounded so selfish. I know there is no way to control a baby's arrival.  UGH!

Then, I mentioned my Mom.   We have been dealing with whether or not she could handle another shoulder replacement and the verdict, although not final, is that no, she should not have the surgery as her bones are just too fragile.   Secretly, I had been praying for the right decision, but my fear was that she may not survive a difficult surgery and the aftermath, so I was relieved to hear that she was not planning on surgery.   It made me sad that I was “happy” about this because she is in pain.  Selfishly, I didn’t want to lose her on an operating table.  UGH!

Another issue came up when my Mom said, “I need to ask you something because I’ve always been open and honest with you and I don’t want this to fester.”   Enter a question that I’m not going to share, but it seems I had inadvertently hurt her feelings and I was crushed.   I admit I had some selfish reasons for doing what I did, but I never in a million years would have hurt her.   (I don’t really think I have to mention that to you all!!)  So Double UGH because two situations were about my Momma!

I then brought up the fact that I was dreading the work day (Tuesday)…a three-day weekend does not lend itself to a joyful return to work.   UGH!   I like my job most days, but yesterday, I was dreading going back.   I knew that with a long weekend comes a backlog and I’m already feeling a little behind the 8-ball because I’m keeping a low profile in anticipation of being out of the office a bit for Katie and Baby T!    Now, I was a little on overload due to the busy weekend, but still, not excited to get up and going.

Next I mentioned that there was a phone call that was really welcomed on Friday, but I found myself second-guessing some of the conversation.   Why?   I don’t know, just feeling like my honesty might hurt someone.  UGH!

As I was sharing these things with my counselor, she said, “No wonder you are weepy!   You are feeling guilty about things you should not be!”   WHAT?   Me, feeling guilty?   I was shocked.   But we took each part of my story and yes, there was guilt connected to each situation.

I am always trying to please other people (THIS IS NOT A GOOD THING my friends!).   When I don’t succeed at this, I consider myself a failure or I blame myself in some way, causing major guilt.  

There was guilt because I wouldn’t be able to complete a job commitment if Baby T had arrived.   There was guilt because I secretly didn’t want my Mom to have surgery, which didn’t seem very nice.  There was guilt because I hurt my Mom’s feelings and I was especially upset about that.  There was guilt because I was wishing that I didn’t have to work.   There was guilt because I wasn’t honest with someone…I didn’t lie, I just avoided some of the conversation. 

To me, this is one of the worst feelings…feeling guilty!   I HATE IT!   I have to remember that I have a “feelings” problem and it is totally self-induced.  

For example, my Mom was brutally honest about her feelings being hurt.   We have a great relationship that allows us to do this with one another, so why couldn’t I just say I was sorry and let it go?   I don’t know.   Instead, I felt like I needed to wallow in it and punish myself by having it nag me for days. 

STOP THE MADNESS LISA!   Let the guilt go!   It is not serving any purpose.   Think about it, where any of these things life threatening?   Did I intentionally lie in any of these situations?   Was I hateful or mean?

No…not at all.   So my counselor says…There is no room for the GUILT!   The energy spent on this guilt is so not worth it and it will make me crazy!  

Deep down, I know that guilt has a home in me…I still feel some level of guilt about the failure of my marriage.   Failure triggers guilt for me.   I know that the situation should not cause me to feel guilty, but it does.    I hate to say it but if I am to be honest, I have to admit that it is true.

Now, with all of this being said, I’m trying to get rid of the guilt.  It’s not easy.   It’s often painful, but I will continue to try.  

Life is so much better without guilt.   I know this to be true.   Today, I will work on getting rid of the guilt and trying to keep it at bay!   If you catch me feeling guilty, please send me a message…you know the words that get me every time #grownasswoman!!