Two Steps Forward…

I have been debating about whether or not to share this but I agreed when I started this blog…I would be honest…even when the topic may not be totally flattering.

This past weekend I was a slug.   I was lazy, I had a hard time getting motivated and accomplished very little.   I do think I deserved some of it, and I definitely recognized the “sluggish” behavior, but wasn’t really sure why.

The week had been busy at work and some personal appointments…mani, haircut, counseling, and all day meeting for the kick-off of school.   Okay, so a mani and a haircut, can’t be considered difficult things.   The counseling session was good…but it had been a month so it was draining as a lot had gone on in that month.   I was looking forward to the weekend.

Friday, I helped host a “Sip & Swim” party that a Gala guest had won in our auction.   The host and I put together the fajita bar and buntinis (remember my post from Sunday?) and I loaded up coolers with beverages…Corona, Bud Light with Lime, margaritas and sangria.   By the time I left home, I was ready for a swim…I was tired and hot but ready for some fun!

The evening was a lot of fun with the guests and the hosts seemingly happy.   I helped with cleanup and headed home…leaving their home at 11:29pm!   I had no idea it was that late.

Then it hit…I pulled up to the door of my apartment, and started unloading the car at midnight.   This was one of those times when being alone hits hard.   BAM…in my face, lifting coolers and tote bags…making three roundtrips to the apartment.  

At just past midnight, everything was in, and it was all just inside the door to be dealt with on Saturday.   I was kind of wide awake, yet tired…I popped open a Diet Coke, checked email and really, had a good cry.   Once again, I was reminded that I was alone.   No one to debrief with, no one to help carry, unload, and put away with me, no one waiting to make sure I was home safe...just an empty apartment and even the lights in my apartment were off (I have lights on a timer).   UGH!   And I didn't want a pity party!!   Ain't nobody got time for that!

I finally climbed into bed and within minutes, I was asleep.   I slept soundly until a little after 7am.   I was still sleepy after a quick bathroom stop.   So, I turned the TV on low, and quickly fell back to sleep.   The next time I looked at the clock, it was 9:35am.  

A good friend called me and it forced me to get up and try to start moving around.   It was a good call.   While I was talking, I was putting dishes in the dishwasher, taking towels out of the dryer, and starting to come alive, or so I thought.

After we hung up, I emptied one of my tote bags from the party and one of the coolers.   All of this took about 20-30 minutes.   I had a breakfast sandwich.    Then, without a second thought, it was 11:50am, and I went back to bed.   I HAVE NEVER IN 61 YEARS DONE THIS!   (unless I was sick).   What was wrong with me? 

I woke up around 1:30pm.   “Lisa, you have an appointment at the Little Clinic at 4pm.   You need to get moving and take a shower."   Once I got in the shower, I felt more alive and I tried convincing myself that I was just over-tired.   But really, I know, I was just feeling a little blue.   I was missing what I have had.   

I went to Krogers Little Clinic and got two shots…shots that the doctor had recommended before Baby T enters the world, since I plan to be spending lots of time around the baby.   While I was there, the young nurse practitioner and I were talking about these shots and the excitement of having my first grandchild coming so soon.   All of a sudden, I started to realize (once again) that Baby T is coming at the right time for me (and our little family).   

Happy news like this can wipe away those sad thoughts in a flash!   When I got home from Krogers, I finished putting things away from the pool party, got another load of wash going and ate dinner.   

Soon after that (around 6:30pm), I was in my PJs watching Sharknado…yes, I stooped to an all time low with that one.   But I was also running the vacuum and sorting through paperwork at the same time.   Then, I was back in my chair, being lazy.  

On Sunday, I got up at a reasonable hour and spent a few hours at the pool.   It wasn’t a total “slug” day but it was the Sunday that I love and appreciate.   

Divorce is a crazy thing…some days I feel like I’m in a good place and doing so well, then every once in a while, I am reminded that I’m not sharing my life with “my person.”   I am doing well and honestly, I haven’t had one of these days in a very long time, but when it happens, it’s hard.  

I’m not asking for sympathy…just keeping it real.   I’m a #grownasswoman finding her way in this new life!