Changing Roles

This post is about something that many of you have experienced or are experiencing.   It is about this time in our lives and the role of becoming caretakers for our parents.

I know I am very blessed…both of my parents are living, in their own home, and thankfully, I have three siblings in Louisville to keep an eye on them.   However, I am definitely a big part of checking in on them.   Trips to Louisville to go to doctor appointments have been part of my routine for a few years now.   I worry that those trips may become more frequent.

Do you have parents who talk about “the old people at church” or “he looks so old.”  I always chuckle because I wonder just what they are thinking.   How much older are these people at church?   How old do they think they look?   Do they ever wonder what people may be saying about them?

Sometimes, my Mom has lunch with her high school friends and she tells me, “Mary shouldn’t be driving.   We have to help her get out of the car because she can’t move her legs very well.”   WAIT!  WHAT?   Mary can’t move her legs and my Mom who is little and frail, has no balance, and crippled hands is helping her get out of the car?    

Dear God…give me strength!   Just so you know, this was a while ago, and we have forbidden Mom to help her friends…telling her she will fall and it scares her to death…so she has listened.  

Our Mom fell about 4 ½ years ago and ended up having shoulder replacement surgery.   The shoulder is like new, but the arthritis, fibromyalgia and the osteoporosis are in full swing.   She is frail and afraid of her next fall. 

This week, we went to the orthopedic doctor to find out what we can do for the other shoulder that has become more painful than ever.   The doctor was awesome…kind, and informative.   He gave her a shot to take the edge off for now, as they get other tests done to see if surgery is even an option.

SIDE NOTE:   I went to Louisville for the doctor’s appointment and I’m glad I did.  Upon arrival at the office, we were handed an iPad type of thing where we were to complete a series of questions that were very detailed.   If my parents had been there alone, there is no way they could have done this.  They don’t do computers and just listing Mom’s meds was a ridiculous exercise in patience.   I’m guessing that there is a paper copy for those who don’t do computers, but no one asked if we needed that.

There was an older woman in the waiting room, who was working on this contraption herself and she had her cell phone, asking Siri, “Walgreens” (name and address of preferred pharmacy).   Siri would beep, “I have found a location on Taylorsville Road.   Would you like that one?”  Then the lady would say “NO” and Siri would offer another location.   This went on for 3-4 locations.   For all I know, she’s still there trying to get the address of her pharmacy.   I’m pretty sure that if the staff in the office were to type in Walgreens on their computer, they can get the list of locations.   Why is the patient expected to get the details?

If you don’t have a photo ID with the bar code, you are in trouble…everything is scanned and verified.  This scene just confirmed that one of us needs to be there with them.

I share all of this because I have learned a lot from this process.   My parents are okay…they manage, but they are not the jitter-bugging couple they were at Katie & Anthony’s wedding, just 6½ years ago.   The difference is always more noticeable for me because I don’t see them every day.

My patience needs to improve.  I get frustrated because they sometimes resent our help.   They don’t understand that we are trying to make it easier for them.  Both my Mom & Dad think they can still do things that they shouldn’t do.   For example, my Dad is a few days post cataract surgery, but he tried to move a rolled-up carpet that had been delivered to the front door…Okay, so he isn’t supposed to bend over, he isn’t supposed to lift anything, and he actually cut himself in the process.

Of course, he couldn’t move it and when I arrived, he never said anything about trying to move it on his own.   My brother and I were able to move it TOGETHER, into the house…Dad had no business trying to move it, but he was not happy with us for fussing at him.

I adore my parents, but daily, they are making decisions to do things that are not good for them.   I can’t change that.   I can’t be there 24/7.   I have to let them feel like they are managing things, even if it drives me crazy.

For me, I have to remember that losing their independence is really hard for them.   Again, I need more patience.   They don’t want to be dependent on us for anything.   They don’t understand that we WANT to help them.  

I’ve never done this before so I’m learning as I go.   I’m also struggling with the fact that my parents aren’t able to jump in the car and come up to Cincinnati for a visit.   They won’t be able to go to Pittsburgh to see the new baby – Thankfully, Katie and Anthony are thoughtful enough to plan a visit to Louisville so they will have baby time soon!  

Sometimes I wonder who is struggling more…my parents or me?  Back to my comment earlier about having both of my parents.   I’m one of just a few of my friends who can say that, while many do not have either of their parents.   I am blessed.  I worry about what’s to come…I admit it, I'm scared.

Today, I’ll take a deep breath, call Mom and Dad to check in, find my patience and practice using it, and continue to be there when I’m needed…and I'll be there, even when I’m not needed!