Debbie Downer Day

 

Those of you who know me I am no “Debbie Downer” but some days, you just can’t help it!   Today is one of those days.  I apologize in advance and appreciate you letting me vent.

Since returning from Louisville, I have been remembering how much I miss “home!”   Derby time in Cincinnati was precious for our family and we shared it with lots of our friends in the area.   There were twinges of these memories with Greg while I was away.  

Louisville will always be my home and some day, I hope to be back there.   I realized that although I have a boatload of dear friends here in Cincinnati, I have no family.   Sure, many of you are like my family, but it’s not the same.  Lord knows my family can make me crazy at times, but they are my family and there’s something to be said about having them nearby.  

When I was married, Greg was my family.   He and I could talk about everything.   Bad days at work were discussed with logic, because Greg had a way of talking me off the ledge many times.  Well, for whatever reason, I have been missing that a lot.   I’ve missed knowing that there is someone at home to share my day with.   It stinks.

Some of this has turned into anger and a bit of sadness.   No, the anger has actually morphed into the sadness once again.   I am remembering that I am financially responsible for myself and that can be scary.   I know that I must work because there is no one else to fall back on.   I’m tired…I’m tired of having that pressure.   I have no intention of quitting my job…I love it, but we are experiencing some transitions and it isn’t always easy. 

I also have been thinking back to just two years ago (those damn Facebook memories!) when we were in the Caymans on a dream trip with dear friends.   Again, no one knew about our impending divorce.   The pictures have popped up and the reminders of where we were just two short years ago…and yet it seems like a lifetime ago.    Those memories have flooded my mind these past couple of years.

I spent my hour of counseling this morning, in tears…ugly crying.   I asked her Why I was feeling this setback?  Why was I wishing for something from Greg?  Why do I feel sad again?  Why do these memories do this to me?  Why…Why…Why???   All of these WHY questions are normal…but they are harsh.   Asking myself WHY indicates that there is something wrong with me.   I don’t know why I’m feeling so many feels…but it’s okay…At least my counselor (or my rent-a-friend) says it’s okay.

One of my biggest things, when I’m alone, is wondering if Greg ever thinks about me the way I think about him.   I want to explain, I know our marriage is over, but when I’m alone, I often think about what we had and yearning for those happy days.   I wonder if Greg has any of these thoughts?   Does he miss our life together?   Maybe, and what would I do with this information if I had it?   UGH!!   It doesn’t make sense for me to wallow and wonder.   So, my counselor has suggested finding intentional ways to do something, take a walk, work on a project, write in a journal, etc…Get away from those thoughts.  

She also reminded me that I will probably love Greg for the rest of my life!   WHAT the WHAT???   Yes, I do expect to love him the rest of my life, but it is a different kind of love.   It is the love of him as Katie’s father and as the grandfather to our future grandchildren.   I will love him as my first true love…and even today, he is the love of my life.   I hope and pray that someday, someone else will move into that role, but for now, I am accepting that there will be love for him forever.  I’ve been wondering when I would start to not get little twinges of something (flutters, butterflies, etc…) everytime we see each other!   It may or may not happen. 

What I will focus on now, is realizing that there is more time between these “Debbie Downer” days, weeks, or months.   I’ve been good for a long time.   When I first started this blog and talked about going through the stages of grief, I realized that the stages would appear at different times…they may not last long, and they may not come as often, but they will continue to appear.   I need to accept this as normal, because simply put, it is.

Feeling this way is sad, but it is also healing, and beautiful, and nerve wracking and exhausting.   It’s all part of who I am…a work in progress.  

I plan to get more serious about my gratitude journal and my “You are a Badass, How to Start Doubting Your Greatness and Living an Awesome Life” book reading.    I know I’m a Grown Ass Woman, but I’m starting to realize that I may be a Badass too!!

It’s almost time for my summer break (starts June 1) and I have lots of things planned.   Pouting, wallowing, ugly crying, and pity parties are not on the list!   So for now…I will close the door on this issue.  

Thanks for loving me – with these flaws and all!!