So This is Christmas…

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve…I’m in my glory, having Katie & Anthony with me for the past couple of days and for the next couple of days.   I’m in a good place…All around!

Sundays for my blog have been reserved for dating stories, or getting back out there, so to speak.   Today, I want to go there, but on a different level.    Being okay, being alone.

When my life changed, most especially, on the day that our divorce was final, (June 19…ugh…when do the dates start to fade away?) I felt different.   I felt hollow, I felt sad, I felt scared and I felt alone.   I also realized that there were options for me.   I could wallow in these emotions or I could start my new reality.  My new normal...

My decision to be strong and move forward with courage and a newfound energy was lost in the grief I was feeling.   I needed time to heal.   Again, there is no formula for this and I knew that, but I also knew that I could not sit around and let life happen.   It was during that week, the week between my divorce and my 60^th birthday, that I let myself be…just be what I needed to be.  I allowed myself the tears, the pity party, and the fast food and ice cream without guilt.   I spent most of the week at the pool at my apartment, reading a trashy book and not doing much else.  I tried to journal (not very successfully, and I closed my eyes, wondering what would be next.  

I have no idea what comes next, but I know that I’m not afraid to be alone.   The people around me are there for me whenever I need them and sometimes, even when I don’t realize I need them.  For me, the possibility of growing old alone is a little un-nerving, but I think about my friends who have lost spouses and I know my grief does not compare to theirs, although there is a similar loss.   Those who have lost a spouse to death had no say in the matter.   However, our lives are similar in many ways.  We eat meals alone, we go to bed alone, and we function day to day, making decisions alone.  It’s not easy, but somehow, we find the strength to move forward.

Fortunately, for me, I found the courage to try to put myself out there, by trying the online dating route.  It has become both entertaining and educational and along the way, I’ve met a few people who may or may not be potential companions.   Not everyone can do that and I don’t expect everyone to do so.   It’s a first step in looking for a male friend.   I know that I have a lot of life to give and I would love to share it with someone but if it’s not meant to be, I know I’m not alone.   The beauty for me is I’m not desperate, I’m not needy and I have a clear understanding that if it is meant to be, it will happen.

I had a great love, someone who shared every part of my life with me.  I had a great life.  I know there are some people who have never had, or will never have that.   I also know that I still have a great life, it's just in different ways.  I am grateful for the great love I had and will cherish those memories.   Maybe there is someone else, maybe there isn't, but I am at peace with that.

Christmas this year, I gave myself the gift of a remote car starter...WOO HOO!!!   I've learned it's okay to give yourself a gift.   All single people should do it!!

In the spirit of Christmas, I’m not going to joke, poke fun, or get into the next story I have for you about this crazy thing called online dating, or as I like to call it…#safedatingat60.     I’m going to wish you all a very Merry Christmas, a safe and blessed New Year! 

                                 My new key chain!!  Thank you Katie & Anthony!