Now I know…I still LOVE Christmas!

Oh…and being a “fifth wheel” isn’t what it seems

Oh boy...with the holidays upon us, I’ve had my first taste of feeling like the “fifth wheel.”  Full disclosure:  The people I was with did absolutely NOTHING to make me feel that way!   I was with people I know and love well, but truly, for the first time, it felt different. 

Fortunately, I was able to keep the negativity at bay.  These were my feelings.   My realization was if I had invited myself or if I had pushed myself into a group, I could seem like a “fifth wheel.” However, if I am an invited guest, I’m not a “fifth wheel.”   I am an invited guest that can add some fun to the group…or at least I’d like to think that!

This whole scene is all too common for a recently divorced woman.   I know some of you have experienced this same feeling.   PLEASE...to my friends, there should be no guilt on your part whatsoever.  You have been awesome and you will never truly know how grateful I am for those invites but there is never an expectation on my part.  I have written about not being able to dine alone in a restaurant.   Yes, I did it for lunch, (remember the Amish restaurant?), but just haven’t been able to do it for dinner.   So, when someone (usually a married couple) invites me to dinner, I jump at the chance.  Most of the time, I am fine.   It’s just been a recent thing…the darn fifth wheel.

It seems the holidays have brought this feeling upon me.  As a married person, my calendar was full of invitations (not bragging here!) and of course, we attended as a couple.  Last Christmas, we were still in the “separated and trying to figure it all out” stage.  It was new for all of us (Greg, me, and Katie too!) and we decided to keep some of the family traditions, and try something kind of new, so as a family, we went to Kings Island for Winterfest.   It was okay, not great, but okay.   Awkward moments happened, which weren’t a total surprise, but we came to the realization that we probably wouldn’t be able to do that again.  Cue the tears…it was hard.  Really hard...Extremely hard…

As the holidays approached, I asked myself, what would my holidays look like?  I LOVE Christmas…as in a tree in every room, start decorating on Halloween, and Christmas music beginning October 1.  NO JUDGING PLEASE!   Would I have the spirit to do it alone?  The answer to that is YES!   Loving Christmas did not come from my marriage, it came from a history of celebrating the season with family and friends.   Being married, it grew into an even bigger love, but it was deep rooted.

Putting up the trees was not easy…Just getting them out of the jam-packed closet of my apartment was crazy!   I was determined to have a tree in every room (my favorite tradition) and lucky for me, I have fewer rooms!   I truly appreciated pre-lit trees this year!!  Unwrapping ornaments wasn’t great either…the first one I unwrapped was a penguin family, with 4 names on it.  I don’t have to tell you how that (re-)broke my heart.  After a slight meltdown, I packed up and decided that I wasn’t ready to decorate on that day.   Tomorrow would be a better day.  It was and now, my apartment looks very festive…I even put lights on the bushes in front of my patio.   Watch out Griswalds!!

It is different and I haven’t had time to invite anyone over to share my delight!  It’s fine.  I can enjoy my own little Christmas in my apartment.   Turning on all of the trees (with my magic remote) when I get home from work is just perfect.   I can immediately feel the Christmas spirit, even if I am home alone...with a Hallmark movie playing!

Being officially divorced this Christmas has certainly changed my traditions, but it has not changed me.  I still love Christmas and all of the festivities…even the parties that I find myself attending alone.   I am loved and I am made to feel welcome.   I’m not a “fifth wheel” at all.   Merry Christmas Friends!

My Bar Tree!!  

My Family Tree!!   Ha! Ha!