Who am I???

Be kind, it’s easy, they said. Be kind, it’s contagious, they said. Kindness matters, they said,OH WAIT! I call bullshit! It’s not easy, it’s not contagious and sometimes I feel like it doesn’t matter!

Oh boy…just where this is going, I’m not sure. So bear with me.

I think the past several months have been challenging for all of us. Between the pandemic and the election, most of us have grown weary of the masks and lack of socializing, the tweets and texts about our candidates…mainly asking for money, and a host of other things that with the trickle down effect, have caused us to be over it!

During this time, we all have tried to stay focused on the positive…knowing that things would get back to normal at some point, cooking and enjoying time with those in your “circle” and for me, I kept saying that hopefully, we would learn from this experience and come out as better people.

I’ve tried to be kind to those who are working the cash registers at the grocery and drug stores, the teachers who are struggling to find the right mix of teaching with online and in person, changing regularly, and anyone who I think may need a touch of kindness.

However, (yes, I have the mean gene too!), I have had my moments of WHAT THE HELL??? This past week, I went to Baskin Robbins to use the rest of a gift card that my Dad had and to get some hot fudge for my Mom. The store has a limit of five guests and on this day, there was no one in the store. The manager did not have his mask on, and huffed once he heard the “warning” bell that a customer was in the store. He reached for his mask and asked me how he could help. I told him I was going to get a couple of two quart packages of pre-packed ice cream and let him know that the last time we were there, the kind young lady packaged up two small cups of hot fudge, which I would like to get once again, but asked him for three cups instead. His reply was, “That’s not free.” I politely said, “Oh of course.” (Ummmm..as a proud alumni of the Baskin Robbins work experience, I do know nothing is free at BR!)

Sounds like an easy visit, happily visiting an ice cream store, right? Well, this manager will not be winning friendliest manager of the year anytime soon. But, I went to the cash register after he had filled my three small cups with hot fudge. He rang everything up and presented me with the total of $26.27. Well, I don’t want to sound like my parents, but dear Lord, how could my purchase be so much?  I turned to look at the price on the ice cream and it was TWO, 2-quart containers for $10.99 (reasonably priced for Baskin Robbins). So I said, “My goodness…did I mistake the ice cream price?” He responded that the fudge cups were $5 each.

As my luck would have it, I had the receipt with the remaining balance listed and saw that the last time we attended (after dropping off our ballots just a few weeks ago), the hot fudge was $1.25 each. I said, “You are kidding me? Last time, we got two cups for $2.50.” He once again repeated the amount. I had already given him the gift card and had cash in hand and once again, I said, “So the hot fudge is more than the ice cream?” When he said yes, I said, “You know what, just take the fudge off of the ticket.” That’s when it got ugly.

He told me that he was unable to do that because part of it was on the gift card. I said “You are willing to send an unhappy customer out the door?” and he said “I’m not making you unhappy.” (he was right...I was making myself unhappy but I didn't like the comment one bit).  I took the remaining money I had in my hand to pay for it and did not hand it to him but flipped it on the counter. He immediately raised his voice and said, “Do not throw your money at me.” And I think you know how it went. I said I did not throw money, he argued back and I took my ice cream and three cups of fudge, made of gold, and walked out the door…no bag and no looking back.

OMG!  Just typing this is making me feel so bad. I was glad to give him the business, knowing that it can’t be easy but I just couldn’t let him get by with ripping me off. UGH! However, he got his money, and I got my purchases and I didn’t share the story until today…(except with one other person). It seems that day, I lacked kindness.

Now, I’m learning that it takes a lot of work to be kind. I mean on a day to day basis, I think I’m kind, but there are moments of un-kind that take over and I’m not proud.

The picture with this post struck me because sometimes, I think back to where I was many years ago and not too long ago and I question why I did things the way I did, or why did I let things play out the way they did. I question if I’m losing myself during this pandemic…

I’m very social…I hate being without the fun of friends gathering and enjoying some laughs. My past self didn’t miss a party or an outing for anything. Being alone was nothing that I yearned for, and now, the quiet times are treasured. I often felt guilt for saying or doing things, but now, I realize that I’m human.

Today, at nearly 62 and ½ years old, I am trying to enjoy life…or at least what life has to offer at the moment. So, when I lose it, like I did recently at Baskin Robbins, I try to remember not to beat myself up. I’m not sure what my past self would have done, but I’m not really that same person. Life has a way of adjusting things for us and some of those adjustments I have no control over…

So, I’ll do what I always do, wake up and say, “Today, I’m going to try not be get defensive, try to show kindness to at least one person, and breathe…” How about you?