I’m scared!

So…a lot has happened since last week.  First of all, I am one week and one day into a stay with Katie, Anthony and baby Gabriel in Pittsburgh.  It is a CeCe’s dream to be able to spend so much time with the baby, but honestly, I thought I would be home by now. 

We all survived and had a decent week.  Katie became fever free shortly after I arrived, so soon, we were able to be more social.  During that time, I was able to help Anthony with Gabriel’s bath and feedings and keeping him busy while Anthony worked.

Once Katie felt better, it became more of a regular visit, which is great for me.  I’m not sure how long I will be here, but there has been a lot of conversation and truly, these talks have brought out my fears.

Most of my fears are not with getting sick, but with my parents getting sick.  I’m also worried about what comes next.  Finally, yesterday, I found an article that helped me navigate this…what many of us are experiencing is anticipatory fear, which could be considered the sixth stage of grief. 

We are afraid of what comes next.  While we sit comfortably in their home, with plenty of food, hand sanitizer and toilet paper, there are many who are not as fortunate.  This stirs up so many feels…how will some of these people get through the day?  I also worry about the medical staff and their lack of equipment.  These few states that are in the thick of it need help…but where does it come from when the other states start getting sick.

Normally, I would be glued to MSNBC or the local news taking in the various information and press conferences.  However, Katie & Anthony do not have cable, although they have anything you would want to watch available!  They make a conscious effort not to have the TV on during the day when Gabriel is around.  I totally respect that.  But, it’s hard for me because I usually have the TV on for companionship. 

I have learned this week, that I’m so much better off, not being glued to the TV.  I have friends in Cincinnati who are sending me updates as needed.  Greg is checking in on us regularly.  I do check the news at night when I get into bed.  That’s probably not the best idea because it doesn’t “relax” me. 

I’m still scared.  We talked about me going home this past Sunday or Monday, but it was decided that I should stay.  Katie reminded me that if I went home, and decided a couple of weeks from now, I wanted to come back, I would have to wait two weeks before returning, to make sure I was not carrying any of the germs.  That was hard to think about. 

I’m still scared because I don’t know when I’ll go home…although for me, home truly is with my “baby” and my grandson, so I am fine.  My parents said to come there when I finish up here.  I worry that I will overstay my welcome.  I do my best to give them their space, help as much as I can, and still, I’m scared that our great relationship will be tested. 

We had a family meeting and determined that we all need to be honest and when we need a break…no one gets their feelings hurt.  Probably easier said than done, but we’re working on it!

In the meantime, I renewed my prescriptions, at the local pharmacy, because I don’t know when I’ll be home.  I had an e-visit with my doctor’s office today.  It’s crazy…luckily she knows me well.  I have had a prescription for an anti-anxiety medicine and an anti-depressant since going through the divorce, but I never filled the anti-depressant and the anti-anxiety medicine comes our very infrequently (like around Gala time!). 

Because of this, she had to ask 5 questions, with a scale of 1-3.

1.       Do you find yourself in a constant state of worry?

2.       Do you find yourself easily agitated and angry?

3.       Do you have trouble turning off your thoughts at night, struggling to sleep?

4.       Do you worry needlessly about day to day things?

5.       Do you have a fear of the unknown?

I answer these questions EVERY time I have a check up and always, have a 0 for my score.  Today, I scored a 3 ½ and we laughed at how these questions were so pertinent today more than ever.

In case you are wondering…I said zero to questions 2, 3, 4.  I answered with a 1 for question 1 and a 2+ for question 5.  She didn’t recommend any additional meds, she asked me if I wanted a refill of the anti-anxiety meds.  Then we both chuckled…We’re all a little scared.  But we can’t let it paralyze us. 

We are here to prevent, not panic.  We are here to be smart and to learn.  We need to remember that our ancestors have been through these things and worse and survived.  It’s not easy and there will be dark days, but we will come out on the other side. 

For those of you who may be struggling…remember to take one day at a time.  Don’t look too far into the future, it only causes angst.  We are stronger together…so for now, I’m staying put!