How Do You Do It?

Recently, more than one person has said to me, “You are a better person than me” and “I don’t know how you do it.”  They are referring to my behavior with my ex-husband, Greg.

I don’t think of myself as a super human because I can be in the same room with the person I spent nearly forty years with.   Greg and I had a great life together…I think that’s what makes all of this so hard for me.   But I am doing okay, actually better than okay. 

It would be nice to have that “perfect” family that I thought we had, but that’s not in the cards.   For those of you who have the perfect family, congratulations.   The rest of you, let's embrace what we have!   Right?

The way I have approached this divorce is in a couple of ways.   One way is to curl up in a ball and shut down, letting it get the best and worst of me.   The other is to grieve, and work towards a new normal.   Don't get me wrong...I have been in both places for sure.

I have chosen to accept the grief and work towards my new normal. Trust me…it’s not easy.  It's never easy.   I have grieved, gone through each stage of grief, multiple times.  I have invested in counseling.  I have let my family and friends help me.  I have worked hard to figure out what I want my life to look like.  I continue to work on this next chapter.

There is no magic pill but when you have a history, a good history, with your ex-husband, you cannot hate him.   We are still working on our relationship as “exes” but we acknowledge that there will be some kind of relationship.  

When I told someone that Greg and I had met for dinner to go over some retirement paperwork, (no, we aren’t retiring, but his retirement will affect my spousal support, so we needed to chat), she gasped.  “How can you do that?  Don’t you just want to hit him?”  Well, the answer is simple…No, I don't want to hit Greg.  We need to be connected.   He is a big part of my financial future thanks to our settlement (and Ohio law!).  I prefer to have the conversation with him rather than through attorneys.  

There's also this amazing daughter and her family that we share.   I've seen so many kids/young adults struggle with their parents and honestly, I am determined to make sure that doesn't happen to us.   Katie deserves a healthy relationship with both parents.  These relationships have evolved as she has gotten older and now that she is a parent, it is evolving even more so.   I'm sure Gabriel wouldn't mind having two birthday parties, but I do not want that to be necessary.   Greg and I can be in the same room together, celebrating our grandson.

I won’t pretend that there isn’t a twinge of sadness when we get together.  I’d like to think that he feels the same way, but I no longer feel the heartache when I see Greg.  I have forgiven him and if I really have forgiven him, then I can move on.  

Today, I'll take my cue from Ellen DeGeneres...Be kind to one another!