What men want…why am I surprised?

*FULL DISCLOSURE:   This post may be a little more honest and revealing than some may be comfortable with.  

ONLINE DATING has been such an eye opener to me.   I’m still really new to this whole dating process but I am definitely getting the idea of what it is all about.  Can we talk about this?  I'm trying to date at age 60...I'm totally out of practice and I certainly am not up to date on rules, styles, and the how-to of making a good impression for a first date.   I'm still fairly traditional...I like the man to take the lead, but I'm realizing that most men enjoy a boost to their ego by having the woman take the lead.   

I know 45 years ago, it seemed natural, not overly difficult to date.   A guy would call you, pick you up (nervous and giddy) and you'd go out to a movie and pizza, or play putt-putt, hold hands, get a goodnight kiss and be walked to the door.  It sure is a lot more complicated today.   

Although I want to believe that there are good possibilities out there, my experiences to date have been disappointing. However, shortly before Christmas, I met someone who was a little older, and seemed to be a gentleman.   We had a lovely first encounter over cocktails and then with the holidays, and our schedules, we didn’t meet again until shortly after the new year.   We kept in touch, almost daily, and it seemed like there was definitely interest.

I kept thinking that he was different, because he was a little older (69) and surely, he was over the games of online dating.  Our conversations got personal…WARNING…this is one of those times when I may be offering more information than you want!   We talked about intimacy in a relationship –what we both wanted and what that would look like for each of us.   Yes, we talked about sex.   I shared that I wanted sex in a relationship, but only a monogamous relationship.   He seemed to be on board, and understanding.  I had good feelings about this one.   Good grief...am I really talking about this???  

We made plans for a bourbon tasting at my apartment!   Perhaps it was too soon but we had talked about bourbons. I happen to own and know a bit about bourbon, and thought it would be fun.  When is it too soon to invite someone to your apartment?   At 60, I really don't know, but I knew that I trusted him and thought it would be fun.   The evening came and he arrived with flowers.   BONUS POINTS!    We then began sipping the 4 different bourbons and snacking on the munchies that I had specially selected for this tasting.    We had such a good time…laughing, telling stories, talking about family, listening to jazz music (his favorite) and enjoying our evening.   I impressed him with my knowledge and I impressed myself too!!  LOL!!

At the end of the tasting, there was some kissing…maybe a little more kissing.   I’m a grown ass woman, and I liked it.  But I definitely knew that it was not going any further, that night…and I had made that clear in earlier conversations.   The wonderful part of this was that my date was totally respectful of my decision and I was grateful.   He said, "nothing is going to happen to you unless you are ready and want it to happen."  We talked about getting together again soon, and then the night ended.   I went to bed with a smile on my face...maybe he was different!   

The next morning, a lovely text came from him and I felt good…like he didn’t run because I didn’t go further.   He respected me.   He was a gentleman.   He was different from the others.  We continued to text and email for the next few days although a few days after our date, we were both sick. I had a stomach bug and he had a cold.  The texts were just checking in on each other as I had strength for nothing more.   

After a couple of days, I had purchased tickets to the movies and invited him to join me...it's a new age, right?   The woman can take the lead, right?  I'm afraid of rejection so this was a big step for me...right?   Unfortunately, he was not able to go, as he had plans.   Instantly, my mind went to other women he may have met on Match.com.   We had talked about the fact that he had been communicating with others and I did not deny doing the same.

Because I couldn't get him out of my mind, I sent an email after I got home from the movies...I told him that he should try to see the movie, as it was a good one, then I asked him...After our lovely evening, I was looking forward to our next date.   What was next for us?  I won't share the whole email but I thought it was a good way to find out if I was still on his list of women he was interested in pursuing.  Then I waited...On Match.com, you can see when a message is read and I saw that he read it right away, but the response wasn't coming.  Finally the next night, a response.

His reply was interesting, referring to the Men are from Mars book.   He said he had received mixed messages from me and wasn’t sure what I wanted.   At the same time, while I was reading his note, I thought this was his way of letting me down. 

I sent him a note and said I had received mixed messages from him as well…I thought he was okay with my thoughts on the relationship and yet, it seemed as though, he wanted more in the sex department.  How could the same statements be interpreted so differently by two people?   

My view:   We had met two times, known each other for two months, we were getting to know each other and kissing him was nice...very nice.   There was chemistry so continuing to see each other was definitely my plan.

His view:   We've known each other for two months, the kissing is good and the chemistry is there.   What are we waiting for?   Sex is next!   

UGH!   I let my guard down and realized that although he may have seemed to be different from the rest, he was still like them after all.   

Here's the deal...I have been intimate with one person.   ONE PERSON!   When I do decide to get into a relationship, I want to be courted...I want to date, get flowers, go to each other's special events, and yes...I am sure I will want intimacy.   I have determined that I won't be jumping into bed on the third date.   Do you all know about that rule?

The third date rule is something I just learned.  It's the idea that you wait until the third date before sleeping with someone. Most men expect to have sex by the third date.  Some people say it's pointless and you should just have sex whenever you want, others swear by it.  OMG!   Three dates?   Those better be some mighty fine dates...

Although I was let down by this last experience, I'm fine.   It's just another opportunity to learn more about myself, about what truly is important to me in a relationship and a reminder that I will not compromise my values.   With that being said, it may take some time, but I know there is someone out there and I'm willing to wait!   

                            This is a picture of the "aftermath!"

My lovely table before he arrived!

Assorted snacks to change up the taste of the bourbon...Cheeses, chocolates, nuts, craisins, and oranges.