In the beginning...and the end...

Today is a "date to remember" for me.  It's not one that I really want to remember but it is one that I'm not sure I will forget.   In fact, I wonder, when I will stop remembering this date and some others that have a place in the last two years.  On December 5, 2016, my life was changed forever.   It was the beginning of the end of my marriage.   Because this is an extremely personal ordeal, I’m not ready to share a lot of information.   However, shortly after this discovery, I entered counseling with Greg and I can tell you it was the best decision of my life.   We started with couples counseling, not really to save the marriage but to navigate the process of dealing with the end of 34 years of marriage.   Everything I had known came crashing down.  Nothing would ever be the same.

We went weekly for six months, while keeping this information to ourselves.   We shared with no one. *Those of you who were involved in our lives during this time and felt bad that you didn't know, let it go...it was a conscious decision to keep it to ourselves until we were prepared for the shock and sadness that would ensue. 

I was in the midst of my busiest time at work and I knew that I could not be a good Mom to Katie when she would need me the most.  We had to get it together before we could tell anyone.   For those of you who know me, I'm an open book, so keeping this "secret" was very difficult.   Friends have said I am so strong; some have said I deserve an Academy Award as I was able to portray my life as the happy, positive person although I was in my very sad place.   I was living a double life and I hated it.  

Counseling was not easy and sometimes, it was nothing but an hour of tears and very raw, exposed feelings, but it was the beginning of learning a lot about myself.   I felt dumb.  How did I not know things were changing?  I felt guilty.  What did I do wrong?  I felt ashamed and embarrassed.   After the six months, I made the decision that I needed my own counselor.  I needed to be able to say things that were focused on me and my feelings.  I came to realize that my healing needed to be my priority.   For the first time, I could say, "It's all about me!" and not feel guilty.   There was no more need for the marriage counselor.

So, we said goodbye to our couple’s counselor and I randomly, and I mean RANDOMLY, as in a Google search for “counselors in the Montgomery/Blue Ash area” selected a counselor who has been a major source of strength for me during the last 15 months.   

We then started to share the news with our family.   We had determined in couple's counseling that we would do this together.   This would hopefully set the tone for how our relationship would look moving forward.  First, Katie, then my parents and siblings, then Greg's family.   These were painful discussions with people we love but there was some relief in exposing the truth.   We still kept it private from most of our friends.  

The main thing about counseling is you will only succeed and get something out of it if you can be honest with your counselor.  I learned in one of the first few sessions that I have experienced a loss, not as severe as a death, but still, a loss and actually, the death of my marriage.  I would be experiencing the various stages of grief.   Welp…that was not comforting at the time…the only emotion I was experiencing was sadness…an overwhelming, all-consuming sense of sadness.   It wasn’t depression, I could function.  I could get out of bed.   It was a sadness like no other.   I woke up each day feeling a sense of loss so great, that the only feeling I could muster was sadness.   Have I made that clear?  I WAS SO DAMN SAD!!  

Through counseling, I acknowledged this as normal and that it would eventually go away.  I even had a sweet friend tell me, "I can't tell you when or how long it will be, but one day, you will wake up and realize, you aren't sad anymore."  In the meantime, I would experience the stages of grief…denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, all a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling.   I also learned that you can experience these stages multiple times, and in no order.   These stages will get less intense, and won’t last as long as the previous time, but even after a year with my counselor, I continue to experience these stages...mostly when I am home alone.

I struggle most with anger.   I don’t want to be a bitter bitch.   I’m not a bitter bitch and I didn’t want people to say “what a bitter bitch” or “she’s wasting time being a bitter bitch” and as a result, I didn’t let myself find anger in this situation.   SADNESS…yes, all caps, is not one of those stages…I’m not sure why.   I did finally experience anger and although it has come and gone, I know that it is normal and that it is a feeling that will leave. I might be a little angry when I have to scrape the ice and snow off of my car, when I'm used to a garage.  I might be a little angry when I have to unload the car after a big trip, making 5 trips back and forth.   But I am not a bitter bitch and getting angry cannot make me one.  But truly, I didn’t know if I would ever have real joy again.  

I’m here today to say that YES, I am finding my joy, my happiness and starting to feel like the Lisa I know and love.   It’s been a journey and it continues to be a journey, but through this blog, I hope to be reminded of the good things in my life…trying not to dwell on the sadness, but to remember the good times and the memories that will be with me always.  So, this is the beginning and from here, I know it will get better and I am not only a survivor of this loss, but I’m a grown ass woman and there is more to come!!!